end of march update: why am I doing this?

These past few months have been a roller coaster, and I'm afraid that I still don't quite feel like I'm on solid ground, but I've reached a place where I can rid myself of distraction and finally rest my body and mind. And that is a great gift.

Since January I have been babysitting (a LOT), volunteering on a local organic farm in Athens (which is really hard work but it's awesome), visiting my brother in Colorado and my best friend in Boston, and I've been fundraising full-time to go on staff in San Jose, Costa Rica. And guess what? I just recently hit about 30% funded! That was a really exciting marker to reach--only 70% more to go--not too bad! As my fundraising coach likes to say, "I am ruthlessly pursuing 100% funded," and I am hoping to reach this goal and head down to Costa Rica by late August or early September, after my older brother says "I do" to his beautiful fiancee, Maggie, on August 16th.

Fundraising is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. And it's incredibly humbling. I mean, who delights in talking about (much less asking for) money? I often just sit and stare at my cell phone, subconsciously hoping that if I wait long enough, the next person on my call list will spontaneously call me and offer a monthly donation without me even asking them. Or I just keep putting off the phone calls, hoping that the longer I wait, the easier it will be.
Just in case you're wondering, it isn't.

But I think that one of the most difficult parts for me recently has not been the awkward phone calls or the discussion of money; instead, it's been the questions that have been raised, the very good, very deep questions that have forced me to search my mind and heart and to ask myself, why on earth am I doing this?

Why are you going? Do you have to go for so long? Are you really sure this is what you want to do? Is it too big of a commitment? Is it too soon to leave, after your sister passed away?

To say that I've wrestled with these questions would be a gross understatement. I've battled with them, punched at them, and been entangled by them ever since I first sent in my application almost 2 years ago. But these last 6 months have been particularly brutal--is this really the right thing for me? am I making a mistake? am I sure about this? These questions seem to come at me from every direction.

How do I escape them?

I look backwards.
I look at the calling I've received.
And I decide to trust it, and to trust the One who gave it.

When fear grips me and questions entangle me, I look to this:

      My Journal Entry, December 3, 2013, in San Jose, Costa Rica:
     
Being here in Costa Rica is the first time, the very first time, that I have felt genuinely full and  
actually joyful since Merideth died. I can't describe it, but this place just reminds me of  
everything I have a heart for, everything that I fell in love with in the beginning, the very reason
that I started this whole process. Being here is the first time that I feel like the Lord is here, like
He exists. I physically feel His love and His grace--it surrounds me.
So today, I am thankful. I am sinking in a grace that I do not deserve. I am joyful, I am content,
because for the first time, I don't want to be anywhere else. For the first time in months, I want to live, I want to love. I want to thrive and bathe in the beauty that clings to me. I want to seek glimpses of grace. I want purity. I want holiness. I want life out a death. I want a life with Christ. 
Thank you, Lord, because today I feel Your love, and for the first time since Merideth died, I
know I'm not alone.  

This is how I know that I want to move to Costa Rica. Because it's written in the very core of my heart. My sister's very last words to me were, "You have a beautiful life ahead of you. Go live it." And I intend to honor that.

Will it be too hard? Absolutely. Am I sure beyond a reasonable doubt that this is where I should be? Not really. Am I nervous or fearful? Terrified. Will it be hard to be away from your family? Every day.

Do you still want to do this? Yep. 

God gives us the freedom to doubt and to question, to be uncertain and to be honest with our emotions, fears, and sorrows. I don't have to pretend that I'm someone I'm not, or that I'm in a place of certainty and confidence when I'm actually full of doubts and fears. We are free to ask Him questions, to pray for faith, to seek His grace, to cry out in times of grief and pain. We are allowed to not have all the answers, to be honest in our uncertainty and seek peace from that place of not knowing.

And that's where I am, a place of questioning, of wrestling with the Lord and seeking more of who He is. And I have to trust that He's not offended by our questions. He's not surprised by our doubts. And that He's compassionate toward our grief and sufferings.



Thank you all who have given so generously to my mission to Costa Rica so far, and thank you to all who have, and continue to, pray for my family.

All my love,
Grace