This past week, I feel as though I have been ambushed by my desperate need for holiness, for transformation.Over this past month, I have been continually bombarded by my deep-seeded selfishness, by my incredible desire to live a life of comfort and ease that I never recognized before. What's truly scary is that it is so easy to keep this desire hidden, to bury it deep within myself and wrap it in pretty wrapping so it can't been seen from within or from without. But it's as if the moment I moved here to Costa Rica, my cracks suddenly became canyons, and my buried desires floated to the surface and made themselves impossible to ignore.
And, funnily enough, it was something exceedingly simple and "normal" that initially brought this tightly-held selfishness to my attention: the mundane, yet terribly frustrating, process of finding a car. Car shopping here is a long process, and it probably doesn't help that I know nothing (zip, zero, nada) about cars and have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. But just to paint you a little picture: I currently live on the East Side of San Jose in a neighborhood called San Francisco de Dos Rios, and I'm living on this side of town because it's right next to the language school (Instituto de Lengua Espanola) that I attend each day. BUT, once I finish language school in December, I will move to the West Side of town for Young Life Staff...but that means that until then, I have to either coordinate with my team leader to ride in her car to the other side of town (for club, for church, for activities, for team meetings, etc), or I have to take a bus. Not a big deal right? But here's another picture: it takes anywhere between 1 and 2 hours to get to the other side of town by bus (it actually took me 2 1/2 hours once...), depending on traffic, time of day, how long it takes to walk between bus stops, etc. Again, not a huge deal...but here's the kicker: in a car, it takes about 25-35 minutes. Yes. You read that correctly. With a car, I could potentially cut off 2 hours of travel time...
So, naturally, in my American mindset, I immediately decided to resolve the problem. I'll just get a car. So, right when I got here, I dove into car shopping; I started looking online, sending links to some wonderful people who work with Young Life who are helping to guide me, and calling people to set up appointments to look at different cars. And last week, I finally found one that I thought was the ONE! It was the perfect size, in my budget, and it was right around the corner from my house, just waiting for me to buy it. All I had to do was take a mechanic to look at the car so he could give me the green light to buy it.
Only, he didn't give me the green light.
I saw the car. It was beautiful. I wanted it. I was ready to hand over how ever much it cost right then and there.
The problem was, according to the mechanic, it didn't have air conditioning. Ok I can live without that, right? It's not like it's hot here near the equator or anything. Or air bags. Ok, I'll get that fixed. It needed all new tires. All? And it's been in a few wrecks, so the back and front bumpers need to be replaced. That sounds expensive. The ignition's broken. Ok, that's probably bad.
In other words, I need to look for another car.
And in that moment, all of the frustration of the past month of riding the bus, of looking for a car, of not being able to get places on time or go where I want to go when I want to go there, it all hit me at once. Tears of frustration filled my eyes without permission, and I just had to let it all out. Why is this so hard?
And, more importantly, WHY does this upset me so much?
That was the key question. Why DOES it upset me so much? Why do I want to have a car so desperately? Why do I feel that I need a car right now when a major part of the population here spends their whole lives without one?
Turns out I had some digging to do, digging within myself. What do I value so much that makes me so upset and frustrated to not have a car? Is it really because I need one for my ministry? I will eventually, but right now I don't. Is it because it would help others if I had a car? It would lighten the load of others, but that's not the real reason. Then why?
Because it would be easier.
It would make my life easier to have a car. I would be more comfortable. I would be more efficient. My time would not be as wasted. I could complete each task to the best of my ability in the shortest amount of time. Because I want things to go quickly. I want to be on time. I want to be able to go where I want in the moment I want to go there. I want life to be easier.
After reading this letter to the North American Church this morning, I was incredibly convicted and convinced of my worship of comfort, for I suddenly realized all of the things that my heart values that I never outwardly recognized: comfort. ease. efficiency. It's easy to hide and disguise these comforts when I have them. But when they are stripped from me, I'm forced to recognize how much I value them, how much I want them, how much I feel like I need them.
But do I need them? Is this the life we are called to? A life of ease? A life of comfort? A life of peace?
Jesus doesn't call us to a comfortable life. He calls us to a radical one. One in which we love others recklessly. Trust Him ruthlessly. Surrender ourselves relentlessly. He calls us to grow. To change. To be challenged and pulled and stretched and transformed in His image. He calls us to recognize our limitations and weaknesses so we can rely on His power, on His faithfulness, on His sufficiency. This life is not about my peace, my pleasure, or my prosperity; it's about pursuing the will of God. And His will is that His people would come to know Him, that they would know how loved, adored, and treasured they are. His will is that we care for the orphans, the widows, the poor. His will is that those who suffer are comforted, that those who are sick may be healed, that those who don't know Him will be adopted as sons.
This life is not about us, what we do or what we have. This life is about Him. His kingdom. His joy. His love that brings unimaginable hope. His grace that transforms hearts.
And guess what?
He invites us to be a part of that. We don't have to give. We don't have to care. We don't have to have compassion. Or to carry each others burdens. Or to love our neighbors. Or to become holy.
We get to.
So, my friends, let's join in.
Let's live fully. Let's live richly. Let's live radically.
All my love,
Grace
