service project in snapshots

turn on the faucet.

“I thought about how we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. You need to turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. It will only help. Let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely – but eventually be able to say, ‘All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.” Tuesdays with Morrie

Today is one of those days.

It's one of those days where I feel overwhelmed and under-qualified. One of those days when my loneliness is almost palpable, as if I could reach out and grab it with my bare hands and sink my nails deeply into it. One of those days that I just wish I could climb into bed with Mom and curl up with a good book next to my sleepy dogs while Dad makes pancakes in the kitchen. It's one of those days that I want to be able to call my sister-in-law and go on a long walk through the woods by the river. One of those days that I wish I could talk to Merideth, or go to a coffee shop with someone who actually knows me, who knows my story and my past and who loves me anyway. One of those days that I question what on earth I'm doing here, where my life is really going, and what could possibly be the purpose of it all. It's one of those days that I feel like my heart is breaking all over again, that my body and mind can't possibly take it anymore, and I'm almost tempted jump on a plane just to feel the arms of family and friends embrace me, like a healing and protective force that relieves the stress and loneliness and fear and hurt and uncertainty. 

One of those days that I want to escape. Just take a little break from my life. Even if it's only for a little while.

It's one of those days. 

I wish I had some incredible wisdom to share at this point. I wish I could say, "ok, when you're feeling this way, all you have to do is a, b, and c, then it will all go away." I wish I could make sense of it all, to make it better with just a simple formula. But that's not real life. That's not authentic living. There's not always an easy or obvious solution. Sometimes things are just hard, and we can't just turn them off or look the other way, no matter how much we'd like to. Even when we use other means of escape, our problems or emotions are always there waiting for us like a loyal friend when we finally turn off the TV or log out of FaceBook or shut the novel or put down the bottle.

Sometimes we just have to turn on the faucet, as Mitch Albom says, to let the emotions and experiences penetrate us fully and wash over us with all of the force and aggression that they can muster. Only then can we see the hope at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long or dark that tunnel may be. Because there is hope, there is always something to grasp. And today, even more than all other days, we can be sure that it is finished, that He has done it. And there is always, ALWAYS, hope in that fact.

I was recently reminded of an old song that had a very significant impact on my heart when I first discovered the love of Christ. So, today, I'm letting those words fall over me like the warmth of an old, familiar blanket, and I'm living in the light of their Truth as I turn on the faucet.

I pray that you hear the love of Christ in these words, as well.

"I hear You say,
'My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real?

The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend

Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
 
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
 
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
 
I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends'"

He is Risen. He has defeated. He has loved us with a furious kind of love. He has grieved and hurt and felt forsaken. And He has conquered the world.

So we can rejoice.

Listen here: Times by 10th Avenue North