It changes the environment, how the world looks and feels. It changes the smell of the air, the color of our surroundings. It changes moods, emotions, plans.
Like I said, rain changes things.
I was strolling down Avenida Central in downtown San Jose the other day, and I watched as a huge, ominous cloud moved over the mountains and drifted toward the city. The sun was blistering hot, clothes sticking to my skin; the smell of exhaust hung in the air, stagnant. That big, dark cloud looked like salvation at that moment, and the closer it moved toward the city, the darker it became. The air cooled, and the wind picked up, and it was then that I began to notice the small, subtle shifts in the world around me...Pace quickened. High heels clank clank clanked harder on the pavement. Crowds scattered to find shelter. Taxis were hailed. Buses were filled. Umbrellas were opened. The whole mood of the city shifted. It became hurried, but relaxed at the same time, a moment of both panic and relief from the sweltering heat.
Clearly, rain means different things to different people. To some, it means traffic jams, crowded buses, expensive taxi rides, slippery roads. To others it means ruined hairdos, wet shoes, canceled plans, muddy kids. Still others, it means warm fires, cute rain boots, good books.
As for me, I've never minded the rain.
In fact, warm summer rain storms are pretty high on my list of favorite things. I love the way that the cool drops sizzle on the hot pavement, creating an eery, almost romantic mist that hovers right above the ground. I love the way a storm brings a smell of freshness and renewal, and the way it seems to induce a mysterious, yet soothing, quietness to the world. And since it's pretty much always summer in Costa Rica, every rain storm is a summer shower. And I absolutely love it.
So, as I strolled to the bus stop in San Jose, dodging umbrellas and reckless taxi drivers, I relished in the sweet feeling of the cool raindrops on my skin. I let them wash over me, accepting all that they brought with them: the wet clothes, the soggy shoes, the dripping hair. And I realized that no matter what I or anyone else felt about the rain, whether it was an inconvenience, a nuisance, or a gift; it is a truth. We have to accept and embrace it.
And I started to think that grace is a little bit like that. Lately, it has been difficult for me to fully accept God's grace. I feel too far gone; I've messed up one too many times. Grace just doesn't make sense to my human mind. Punishment makes sense. Justice makes sense. We learn at young age that punishment is a natural consequence to any disobedience or misbehaior: when we fight with our siblings, we get put in time-out; when we talk back to our parents, we get spanked or sent to our room or forced to sit on the bathroom sink with soap in our mouths (A Christmas Story style). It's a simple cause and effect, and I can understand it; it follows the natural human order of things.
But grace isn't like that. Grace doesn't make sense. We mess up, and instead of being punished, we're forgiven; we fall down, and we are helped up to our wobbly feet; we run away, spend all of our money, lie and cheat and steal, and we are welcomed home with a warm embrace.
I struggle to accept this grace gift simply because I am so very aware that I'm completely undeserving of it. Sometimes I am tempted to scream at God, "Stop forgiving me! I'm unworthy, and it's just a matter of time before I mess up again." But He keeps forgiving me anyway. He keeps showing mercy anyway. And I find myself both comforted and oddly troubled by that fact, almost frustrated that there's nothing I can do to earn my way back into God's good graces. It would almost be easier if I could "do a good deed" to make up for all of my shortcomings. Earning is something we are accustomed to, but free grace is disconcerting. After all, we are taught our whole lives that nothing is free, that nothing comes without hard work and dedication. But then Jesus comes along and tells us, "Hey, here's this free gift. Here's this grace that transforms and renews; you did nothing to earn it, but I freely give it to you out of love. Just accept it in faith." And that's all we can do: accept His gift of forgiveness. All we can do is sit still in His love. All we can do is let His mercy cleanse us from the inside out.
All we can do is let His grace wash over us like the rain.
We fall short, but His grace is more.
So we rejoice.
