first of may. is there enough good?

"When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows.."  One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Williams Farm, Athens GA.

Happy May to all! I'm sure you've probably heard the old adage "April showers bring May flowers," right? Well, this morning I'm here to give you a new one: "April showers bring...42% funding!" Don't worry, it will catch on eventually. But in all seriousness, I just want to give a HUGE thank you for your prayers, support, and love in this fundraising process. I know that I say that a lot, but I am sincerely humbled by all of the generosity that has surrounded me, and I feel blessed beyond belief. I'm almost to the halfway mark! It's becoming more and more real with each and every donation, and I'm incredibly excited.

Of course, along with the month of May inevitably comes glimpses of springtime: green trees, budding flowers, and, naturally, the 90 degree Georgia heat when it's not even technically summer yet. It's always been my favorite time of the year: the world seems more hopeful as the sun shines with renewed force and new life is resurrected all around us. But, this year, even as this new life blooms, I find myself haunted by one constant, nagging question: is there enough good? I continue to see Merideth's face everywhere I look: her warm smile, her freckles, her dark, sparkling eyes. How can life grow and thrive when she is gone? How can life be good and joyful in the midst of such loss and pain? 

And these thoughts inevitably force me to wonder...is it? Is it good? Is it worth it? Is there enough good in this life to overcome the evil, to overcome the pain, to make living worthwhile? 
  
I must admit that in my darkest moments, my moments of missing my sister so badly that I lose my breath, that my chest compresses and my body hurts all over, my mind tells me no. No, it's not worth it. No, there's too much evil. Too much suffering. Too much pain. It's not worth the hurt that love inevitably brings.

But the funny thing about questions is, once you muster the courage it takes to ask them, instead of ignoring or hiding behind them, you start seeing answers in places you never thought you would. Lying on my back in the middle of my driveway one night, gazing up at the clear dark sky, searching the stars through my tears, I dug the question out of the core of my heart and allowed it to leave my lips in one exhaustive breath. Oh God, is there enough good? 

And right when the question left my soul, once I aired it out and lifted it up to the Lord, I immediately began searching, searching for the good. Unintentionally at first--I'd absentmindedly stop and notice the blooming trees, the laughter of a friend--and then with purposeful vigor. I began to intentionally seek grace...and the more I sought it, the more grace I found. The more I saw. The more I see. Everywhere: Long walks with my mom, a steaming cup of earl grey, the smell of a new baby, hikes through the woods with my dogs, fresh flowers, green grass...how could I keep up with them all? So, inspired by the beautifully deep wisdom of a dear friend in Nicaragua, I started a list. A list of gifts, of beauty, of moments of joy, of glimpses of grace. In her book One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp tells us that "downcast eyes cannot see the God who walks beside us." But I don't want my eyes to be downcast. I don't want to miss the God walking beside me, to miss the beauty of this life. 

In all honesty, I don't have an answer to my question yet. I don't know for certain that there's enough good in this world to combat the deep hole of darkness in my heart that my sister left in her wake. But I do know that there is good. I know that there is a thing called grace. And it does surround us. It's there, always there, just waiting to be noticed.


{A small sample of my recent glimpses of grace:}

1. Sharing a meal with sweet friends.
2. Lying in bed with a good book.
3. Iced-cold coca cola.
4. Getting caught in the summer rain.
5. Collages of pictures of all the people that I love so dearly.
6. Watching friends get married.
7. Rainbow sunsets.
8. Tattoos: depictions of what it is to live and love in this world, a testament to where we've been and who we are right now.
9. Family dinners.
10. Disney world with my Dad (and hearing him scream his head off on the roller coasters).
11. Long, hard laughter.
12. Popsicles in the summer heat.
13. Trying new teas and tasting new beers.
14. Smell of honeysuckle. 
15. Walking barefoot.
16. Gardening with my mom.
17. Seeing new vegetables grow on the farm. 
18. Tacos and cheesedip.
19. The generosity of friends, family, and strangers, as they support my adventure to Costa Rica.
20. Good music that speaks to my heart.
21. Farmers markets on Saturdays.
22. Learning that my relationship with Jesus doesn't depend on what I do or don't do. It is finished.

I could go on and on. 

So yes, there is good in this life. There is beauty and love that overcomes evil, that crosses all borders, that crashes down upon us and seeps into our veins. And as that grace sinks into our hearts, something beautiful starts to bloom there. Joy.

All my love to you all.