In this final week of being in Athens, it's only natural that I start getting a bit sentimental. I spoke to my fundraising coach the other day, and he asked me to write a sort-of recap of my international and support-raising process as a way to reflect on where I've been and on the ways the Lord has loved me and romanced me through every stage of this long journey. And as I wrote about my experiences, it was impossible to look back and not recognize the Lord's work. Someone once told me that the greatest evidence of God's existence rests in our very lives; so, we look back and reflect, and we see Him working even in the moments of darkness and loneliness, in the moments when we are sure we have been abandoned. Yes, my international
process has been extremely long and somewhat frustrating, yet it has shown me,
more than almost anything else in my life, the provision and faithfulness of
the Lord, which was essential for me to recognize and trust before I went out
into the field. It has been a beautiful encouragement and confirmation to me that I am listening to the calling that's been placed on my heart, so I thought I'd share a little bit of it with you, and I pray that it is an encouragement to you, as well, as you seek the Lord in your life:
I
applied for International Young Life staff in September of 2012 during my senior year
of college after interning for a summer at a Young Life Camp in the Dominican Republic.
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to work in Latin America, and four
months later, after completing the application process, I was placed as a Staff
Associate in Mexico. At that point, I began talking with my fundraising coach about the support-raising process and taking the initial steps toward fundraising; however, I traveled to Mexico for my advanced trip in March of 2013, and even though I loved the people there, I didn’t feel
that it would be a good fit for me to live for the next three years.
So,
it was back to the drawing board, and unfortunately, the drawing board
sort of meant that no one really knew what to do with me. Month after month I
continued having phone conversations with different people, but nothing seemed to move forward. During
this time, I put fundraising on pause, and I had serious doubts about going on
staff internationally: Why is this process taking so long? Why didn’t Mexico
work out? Is there another place for me in Latin America? Should I just quit
and do something else? And, as I dealt with those questions and stewed in the
frustrations of “waiting,” I hit some giant markers in my life: I graduated
from college and moved in with my parents, and it was then that
my family suffered a horrible loss in the unexpected death of my older sister
in August 2013.
My
whole life stopped at that point; to be honest, nothing really seemed to matter anymore. Yet, even
as I plummeted into the darkness of grief and depression (and even anger and
doubt in the Lord), I was overwhelmed with a sense of thankfulness to the Lord for
molding my year-long process with YL in such a way so that I could be home with
my family during that awful time. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if
I had been in another country, or even if I had been far along in the
fundraising process, when my sister passed. I would not have been able to heal
and grieve with my family, or to ask tough questions and battle with the Lord
to discover the Truth of His love and character. He graciously gave me time and
space to do just that, and he molded my whole process, even the frustrating
parts (or I should say especially the
frustrating parts), so that I could have the freedom and time to grow in Him
and heal my heart. But, of course, I could not see that at the time; during the
fall of 2013 I was again overwhelmed with doubts about going on Young Life
staff in Latin America. I wanted desperately to stop fundraising, because it
took so much energy that I didn’t feel that I had; I was tired of making phone calls and going over cash flow charts and budget reports, and most days I ended up breaking down in tears. Yet, I began
talking to the YL staff in Costa Rica, just to see where it took me, and
finally, in December of that year, I went on an advanced trip to San Jose. I
went in with zero expectations, not knowing at all what I would think or feel,
but I fell in love with it, and I finally felt like I was moving toward
something that was deeply imprinted upon my heart.
So,
in January, I began full-time fundraising once again, and in all honesty, it
was pretty difficult at times, even with my new motivation. I loved forming new relationships and developing old ones, and it was so cool to build of team of people to enter into this journey with me, but often times I just sat
and stared at the computer at my list of names to call for the day, and prayed
that they would call me first (but it never happened)! However, after a couple
of months, I reached a little rhythm, and though it was never comfortable, I
began to see a slow but steady fruit of the labor. Throughout the entire
process, I had a lot of ups and downs; I experienced a lot of joy and a lot of tears, but I think the most difficult time was when I reached about 40%: I
talked to my fundraising coach and told him that I had almost spoken to all of my family and
friends, and I wasn’t even halfway to 100%! I was sure that by the time I
reached 50%, I would not have anyone left to contact...I was reaching my wits’ end.
I
finally made it to about 48% funded by mid-June of 2014, and, since I was trying to
leave by September, the goal was to reach 70% by July. I was incredibly discouraged
and thought that September was an impossible goal (how could I possibly raise
22% of my goal in just two and a half weeks?), but somehow, when I crunched the
numbers at the end of June, I was at 68%. I hit 90% by mid-July and 100% by the
beginning of August, and to be honest, I don’t know what happened. Somehow, I
never ran out of people to talk to. I have no idea how it occurred, but donors just
kept introducing me to other donors and somehow created this endless network of
people for me to contact, and I’m now getting ready to leave for Costa Rica at the end of August—earlier
than I expected, and 2 years after I applied for staff. It was absolutely nothing that I did; I was often unfaithful
and disobedient; I didn’t always pray like I wanted to or should have, but the
Lord was incredibly faithful to His timing, and He used all of my donors to remind me of His incredible love and provision.
From the very beginning, I can see
now that my process was specifically molded for me; there's truly no other
explanation for why it was so perfect for my needs. God knew that I would need
time at home to heal after losing my sweet sister, and He made sure I got it.
Of course, in the moment, I didn't know that I needed time, and I hit a lot of
frustrating moments when I wanted the donations to come in more quickly. But I
needed time to learn to trust the Lord again, to ask hard questions, to doubt,
to seek Him in my confusion and anger, and to heal alongside my parents. He's
been very gracious with me, and has cared for my heart so much that He's
forced me to be gracious and patient with myself. It is His love,
not my skills or works, nor my belief in Him or lack there-of, that has carried
me. It doesn't depend on us; it depends on Him. And thankfully, He is faithful.
He is faithful to His promises, to His promise to not make us walk alone. And
that truth gives us all a great hope.
Thank you all for your great love. I hope to see you Thursday, but, if not, know that I'm incredibly humbled and grateful for your support, but mostly for your friendship, and I can't wait to share in this adventure with you these next few years.
PURA VIDA!
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