holy holes.

I was challenged today by the wise and inspiring Brennan Manning to do some self-reflection, to consider who I really am, beyond the facade, beyond the smooth, shiny labels that I often hide behind. Young Life-er. Adventure-seeker. Traveler. Friends watcher. Ex pat. Christian. UGA grad. Athens native. Spanish lover. Reader. Writer. Friend. Daughter. 

In his book The Furious Longing of God, Manning pours out his heart in desperate, reckless honesty,

"I'm a bundle of paradoxes and contradictions. I believe in God with all my heart. And in any given day when I see a nine-year-old girl raped and murdered by a sex maniac or a four-year-old boy slaughtered by a drunken driver, I wonder if God even exists. I love and I hate. I feel better about feeling good. I feel guilty if I don't feel guilty. I'm wide open, I'm locked in. I'm trusting and suspicious. I'm honest and I still play games...and that's just some of the rest of Brennan."

  

In the midst of his deep, dark confessions, he writes, "There is the you that people see and then there is the rest of you."  I stopped after that sentence, and I decided to use my morning to do some searching, searching for the "rest of me." And I discovered that there is a whole lot inside, so many desires, hopes, dreams, fears, grief, joy, pain, and overwhelming, aching love that all work together to make up the woman that I am. People. Experiences. Places. Struggles. Weaknesses. Bravery. Knee-bending grace. It's all me. Every little puzzle piece. Every relationship, past and present. Every moment, however brief. Every place and experience and emotion.

And I'll be the first to admit that it's not all pretty. There's a lot of hurt there. A lot of fear, anxiety, failure, stress, sadness. A lot of contradictions, too. But it all adds up to the rest of me.

the rest of me...

struggles with faith, with the belief that God exists.  

wants to belong.

misses home, everything and everyone familiar.  

strives too hard.

wants to be with people.
loves to be alone. 
too often compares myself to others.
overindulges in all things sugar.
sometimes feels guilty.
laughs a whole lot.  
hopes to fall in love. 
thrives in nature.
is a hunter of beauty.
tries to live in the light.
is sometimes seduced by the darkness.
over-analyzes. 
loves people. 
is plagued by doubt.
fears failure. 
craves authenticity.  
sinks in grace.   
escapes in books. 
seeks true friendships. 
lives in freedom.
asks questions.
is desperate for Jesus. 
grieves a great loss.  
is always learning.
fears time. 
is nostalgic.  
values raw honesty. 
longs for a life of adventure. 
searches for truth.  
wants to feel everything. 
strives to be brave.  

And that's only a small part of my story.

I am a sinner, saved by grace.

That's a larger and more important story.

Only God, in his furious longing, knows the whole of it. 

He covers us. He longs for our presence. He responds in tenderness.

And He fills our holy holes. 

"Jesus came not only for those who skip morning meditations, but also for real sinners, thieves, adulterers, and terrorists, for those caught up in squalid choices and failed dreams. Those of us scarred by sin are called to closeness with Him around the banquet table. The men and women who are truly filled with light are those who gaze deeply into the darkness of their own imperfect existence."